Some Reflection

It has been almost 2 years since we lost our little boys. We (I) really don't talk much about any of this to other people, but there has been a lot running through my mind lately; and instead of paying thousands of dollars for someone to listen to me ramble, I am allowing all of you to hear it for free. We have not updated this blog since we laid our boys to rest. I wanted to leave this as a tribute to them, but now I feel I need to add to it, since they are still in our lives very much every day.

Many things have happened in our lives since those difficult days, but there hasn't been a day that has gone by that we don't think about our precious boys. We decided to test our courage and strength and tried for another baby about a year ago, and were successful. Our baby girl, Paige Catherine, was born on Christmas Eve. She is absolutely perfect. Although she is a wonderful addition to our family, and we absolutely love having her here; she in so many ways resembles our little boys. It was a thought that ran through my head shortly after I held her for the first time and she slept in my arms. I still see it 4-6 months later, mostly when she is sleeping probably because that is the only way we knew our boys. She looks so much like they did, and I wonder what they would look like now.  It is sometimes  very hard for me, but I believe she is an angel sent to us from them. In some ways I wonder if God sent us a little girl because having a little boy might have been too difficult for us. I have always wanted a little boy, but from the beginning of my pregnancy with Paige, I knew she would be a girl. My faith and trust in God has become so great since we lost our boys, that I knew He wanted us to have another child, but wanted us to enjoy our child as much as we could and not constantly grieve over similarities. This may just be my twisted way of thinking, but it is what I believe. We have not ruled out some day trying for a boy, but for now our family is as complete as it can be, with all of our girls.

There are many other things that are hard for me to deal with in every day life, but I manage. Some days at work, my thoughts keep running and I get all teary eyed. But I just have to wipe the tears away and keep those thoughts for later. That is much of the reason I am writing this now, just to let a few things out. Here are a few things that trigger those tears and thoughts: 

~Both Christian and I got tattoos of our boys, him the handprints on his chest, and myself the footprints on the top of my foot. We both see those tattoos every day and they are a reminder of our boys. Some people would think that seeing those hand/foot prints everyday might be hard, but it is just the opposite for me. I love showing off my boys. It is sometimes hard to answer people's questions, but I only give what I feel I have the strength for at the moment. For example, going through another pregnancy was quite difficult. All of the different doctors and nurses  would continuously ask me how many pregnancies I have had, and how many children I have. How does one answer that? Well I have had 4 pregnancies, gave birth to 3 living children, and now (at that time) have 1 child alive. It is hard, and some days I just didn't want to go into detail with everyone. Now we together have 3 beautiful girls, and that is usually how we answer people when asked how many children we have. We don't leave our boys out of the answer because they aren't here, but because it is  simply just easier. 
~We were both faced with a difficult situation about 5 months ago, when some friends lost their baby boy to SIDS. It brought back many memories and difficulties. We tried to be strong and supportive to them, but we struggled many nights during that time. It was an extremely difficult situation for everyone involved, but especially for the loss of such a tiny baby for unexplained reasons. I think that we(Chris and I) both found that we still had open wounds, those that may never heal, but we worked through things the best we could. We never did make it to the funeral, it was just too difficult and we weren't ready for that again. I think of them many days, and feel like we are somehow connected through the loss of our children, who are playing together in a much better place.
~I (we) try to make it out to the cemetary to visit our boys when I can, but it is still a very hard thing to do. Most people get to buy their kids new clothes, toys, birthday cakes, and so on, instead we get to buy flowers to take to the grave. We did place an extra special head stone on their grave, it was the one and only time we got to pick out something special for them. Who would have thought that we would have to go through all of this in our 30's. I never thought I would know so much about burying somebody at my age. Sometimes I feel alone in all of this. Like nobody else quite understands what it is like to have lost a child(ren). I know this is not true, there are many out there, but it isn't an easy topic to talk to people about and I believe many deal with it in their own way and don't seek out others who have been through the same thing. 
~I sometimes sit and wonder if people know we lost our boys, or if those who do even care anymore. I am sure many people don't know, and it isn't something that we advertise. But I always wonder if people still think about us, or our boys. I wish that if they did, they would talk to us about it. That way we would know that they too miss our boys, and are also going through the "what might have been's". That is what is so hard...the what might have been's, . We had so many plans for them the second we found out we were pregnant with them, that it is still hard to let go of those ideas and plans. We still drive around the van we bought for them, and it often seems like we have so much extra room. If only we could have filled it.
~And those dates on the calendar that are so ingrained in our heads forever. There are 2 days out of every year, that I will not be able to completely enjoy, those days that bring back so many memories...and more what might have been's. To think that tomorrow we would be celebrating their 2nd Birthdays. I wonder what they would be like. Would they look like me, or like Christian? Would they be mommy's boys, or daddy's boys?  I could go on forever....

Tomorrow is their 2nd Birthday. Chris and I will take flowers out to them, like we did for their first Birthday. It is a hard day for the two of us. We each grieve differently, but seem to come together on a day like their birthday. We have been through so much together in the six years we have known each other, that I feel like it makes our love stronger. We both wanted so badly for things to have turned out differently, but we feel like they are watching over us and waiting for us to be with them. Some day we will get to hold them again, forever. A day that sometimes isn't soon enough, but for now, we wait, and enjoy every day we are here. 

Our Goodbye

We laid our little angels to rest on Thursday July 17th. They are finally in the hands of the lord until we can meet again. We all know that they are in a better place and are no longer suffering, but it is indeed hard to let them go. The service was beautiful, and the rain managed to stop for us while they were placed into the ground next to "Twin" trees.
Although they were only here for a very short time, our boys sure managed to touch the lives of many of our friends and family. There were so many people who came to pay their respects to us, we still cannot believe the love from everyone.
We would like to thank everyone who sent thoughts and prayers our way. We know the lord works in mysterious ways, but we are positive that those prayers were answered.

Thursday July 10th

This day was the most devastating day of our lives. After 10 days of tremendous strength and fight, our little boys just couldn't fight anymore. Our precious little Zander passed away at 4:50pm and our precious little Colin passed away at 10:20pm. They are in God's hands now where they will be safe and suffer no more. We will think of them always and will miss them forever, until we meet again. These two boys were indeed angels sent to us, but taken away all too soon. We love you Colin and Zander.

They are little over a week old now (8 days to be exact)

With everyday, we have different and new challenges to the little ones. We are currently battling many ailments that both Colin and Zander both have. They are still fairly stable, but mom and I would really like to see improvements in their stats. The ventilators are still on very high pressure and higher than normal oxygen levels. The pressure and oxygen are creating complications, but we need them up to keep them stabilized. They are finally getting rid of some the excess fluid they have been taking in, but like I keep mentioning they have a long way to go. That is all for now. I will try to update photos as I get them.

Currently, I (dad) am at home taking care of girls. Mom is watching the nurses and doctors like a hawk for me. Staying at home is very difficult because I feel I am too far away from our boys, but I want to keep life as normal as possible for the girls. On nights I do not have the girls, I am driving up to the cities to see the rest of my precious family. I am sure mom likes it better when I am there. Thank you for keeping us in your prayers, they are helping more than you know.

Sincerely,
Christian

6 days old now

When we first delivered the the babies and they gave us status reports on them and how exactly sick they were, the nurses and doctors had mentioned that it is going to be a roller coaster of emotions. This is much harder than they could have prepared us for. The boys seem to be switching daily who is the sicker of the two, but they are still fighting and that is all our family can hope for. The nurses have been great at keeping us updated on the progress of our boys. The doctors have been wonderful as well as what they seem to do has been working. We are by no means out of the woods, but every days challenge seems to be met by the staff. It is many small victories that allow us to keep hope.

As far as the progress goes, Colin and Zander still have many of the complications of being preemies. Their lungs have not developed well, blood pressure issues, and all around changing stats as they adapt to their new environment. The nurses and doctors are working around the clock to stabilize our boys and every time they think they have it, something new is added to the mix. These are going to be daily struggles. We appreciate the well wishes and the prayers as they have gotten us this far, please continue to remember our boys as they continue to fight through this. Mom and Dad can never thank everyone enough.

With love and appreciation,
Chris, Sam, Holly, Alyssa, Zander, and Colin.

60 hours old

Just to give everyone an update. This morning they are still working to keep the boys stable. They are doing pretty well considering how early they were born. We are still very concerned with some of the test that have been performed, but we are trying to remain optimistic that everything will work out. Zander at this point has had the most favorable test results. Colin has not done as well. They both have gained some weight, but we are hoping that they do drop soon to show they are releasing some of the extra fluid that they have accumulated through IV's and such. This is going to be a very long battle and we have only just begun. Thank you all for the well wishes and prayers. Please continue to keep us and them in your prayers.

Also there are so photos at the bottom of this blog for you to look at. We have more and will be posting them periodically.

With love,
Sam, Christian, Holly, Alyssa, Colin, and Zander

25 Weeks and Delivery

Well here is the beginning of our already eventful week. I went on Monday to the ultrasound clinic in Mankato for a routine doppler screening. Before I was released the technician had to call my Perinatal Doctor and give them the results. I was then told that they wanted to see me at Abbott immediately, but didnt give me any details as to why. I rushed home, grabbed a bag of clothes, and Chris and I headed up to Mpls. We checked into the clinic, and they told us to head over to the hospital and go to Labor and Delivery. Now we were terrified. We went to labor and delivery and got checked in and put into a room. It took about a half hour before the doctor came to meet with us. He brought an ultrasound machine right into the room, and told us that they suspected that the bigger baby was showing fluid in his abdomen which would indicate the onset of heart failure. The ultrasound proved that there was indeed fluid in the abdomen, and the Doctor felt that the best option would be to deliver these babies as soon as possible as there would be nothing to do for baby B in utero if his heart should fail. There was little to no chance that this condition would improve if left untreated, so I was prepped for an emergency C section.
On Monday June 30th, at 4:57pm the first baby was born, Baby B named Zander Alan; and at 4:58pm the second baby was born, Baby A named Colin Gregory. Zander weighed in at 2lbs 1oz and 14in, and Colin weighed in at 1lb 2oz and was 11 in.
Both babies were rushed away to the NICU at the adjacent Children's Hospital, with dad in tow. Once they were stablized and once I came out of recovery, I was wheeled over to meet them.

Both babies are currently very critical but stable. We just made our first milestone of 24 hours, with the first 72 hours being the most critical. We felt it necessary to have both babies baptised as soon as possible, so both were baptised today, with mom, dad and Grandma Joanie at their side.
We thank all of you for all of your prayers and thoughts, and hope that you all continue to pray for our little ones while they continue on their difficult journey into this world. We will try to keep updating as soon as possible.
Love,
Sam, Christian, Holly, Alyssa and our two new boys Zander and Colin.