Some Reflection

It has been almost 2 years since we lost our little boys. We (I) really don't talk much about any of this to other people, but there has been a lot running through my mind lately; and instead of paying thousands of dollars for someone to listen to me ramble, I am allowing all of you to hear it for free. We have not updated this blog since we laid our boys to rest. I wanted to leave this as a tribute to them, but now I feel I need to add to it, since they are still in our lives very much every day.

Many things have happened in our lives since those difficult days, but there hasn't been a day that has gone by that we don't think about our precious boys. We decided to test our courage and strength and tried for another baby about a year ago, and were successful. Our baby girl, Paige Catherine, was born on Christmas Eve. She is absolutely perfect. Although she is a wonderful addition to our family, and we absolutely love having her here; she in so many ways resembles our little boys. It was a thought that ran through my head shortly after I held her for the first time and she slept in my arms. I still see it 4-6 months later, mostly when she is sleeping probably because that is the only way we knew our boys. She looks so much like they did, and I wonder what they would look like now.  It is sometimes  very hard for me, but I believe she is an angel sent to us from them. In some ways I wonder if God sent us a little girl because having a little boy might have been too difficult for us. I have always wanted a little boy, but from the beginning of my pregnancy with Paige, I knew she would be a girl. My faith and trust in God has become so great since we lost our boys, that I knew He wanted us to have another child, but wanted us to enjoy our child as much as we could and not constantly grieve over similarities. This may just be my twisted way of thinking, but it is what I believe. We have not ruled out some day trying for a boy, but for now our family is as complete as it can be, with all of our girls.

There are many other things that are hard for me to deal with in every day life, but I manage. Some days at work, my thoughts keep running and I get all teary eyed. But I just have to wipe the tears away and keep those thoughts for later. That is much of the reason I am writing this now, just to let a few things out. Here are a few things that trigger those tears and thoughts: 

~Both Christian and I got tattoos of our boys, him the handprints on his chest, and myself the footprints on the top of my foot. We both see those tattoos every day and they are a reminder of our boys. Some people would think that seeing those hand/foot prints everyday might be hard, but it is just the opposite for me. I love showing off my boys. It is sometimes hard to answer people's questions, but I only give what I feel I have the strength for at the moment. For example, going through another pregnancy was quite difficult. All of the different doctors and nurses  would continuously ask me how many pregnancies I have had, and how many children I have. How does one answer that? Well I have had 4 pregnancies, gave birth to 3 living children, and now (at that time) have 1 child alive. It is hard, and some days I just didn't want to go into detail with everyone. Now we together have 3 beautiful girls, and that is usually how we answer people when asked how many children we have. We don't leave our boys out of the answer because they aren't here, but because it is  simply just easier. 
~We were both faced with a difficult situation about 5 months ago, when some friends lost their baby boy to SIDS. It brought back many memories and difficulties. We tried to be strong and supportive to them, but we struggled many nights during that time. It was an extremely difficult situation for everyone involved, but especially for the loss of such a tiny baby for unexplained reasons. I think that we(Chris and I) both found that we still had open wounds, those that may never heal, but we worked through things the best we could. We never did make it to the funeral, it was just too difficult and we weren't ready for that again. I think of them many days, and feel like we are somehow connected through the loss of our children, who are playing together in a much better place.
~I (we) try to make it out to the cemetary to visit our boys when I can, but it is still a very hard thing to do. Most people get to buy their kids new clothes, toys, birthday cakes, and so on, instead we get to buy flowers to take to the grave. We did place an extra special head stone on their grave, it was the one and only time we got to pick out something special for them. Who would have thought that we would have to go through all of this in our 30's. I never thought I would know so much about burying somebody at my age. Sometimes I feel alone in all of this. Like nobody else quite understands what it is like to have lost a child(ren). I know this is not true, there are many out there, but it isn't an easy topic to talk to people about and I believe many deal with it in their own way and don't seek out others who have been through the same thing. 
~I sometimes sit and wonder if people know we lost our boys, or if those who do even care anymore. I am sure many people don't know, and it isn't something that we advertise. But I always wonder if people still think about us, or our boys. I wish that if they did, they would talk to us about it. That way we would know that they too miss our boys, and are also going through the "what might have been's". That is what is so hard...the what might have been's, . We had so many plans for them the second we found out we were pregnant with them, that it is still hard to let go of those ideas and plans. We still drive around the van we bought for them, and it often seems like we have so much extra room. If only we could have filled it.
~And those dates on the calendar that are so ingrained in our heads forever. There are 2 days out of every year, that I will not be able to completely enjoy, those days that bring back so many memories...and more what might have been's. To think that tomorrow we would be celebrating their 2nd Birthdays. I wonder what they would be like. Would they look like me, or like Christian? Would they be mommy's boys, or daddy's boys?  I could go on forever....

Tomorrow is their 2nd Birthday. Chris and I will take flowers out to them, like we did for their first Birthday. It is a hard day for the two of us. We each grieve differently, but seem to come together on a day like their birthday. We have been through so much together in the six years we have known each other, that I feel like it makes our love stronger. We both wanted so badly for things to have turned out differently, but we feel like they are watching over us and waiting for us to be with them. Some day we will get to hold them again, forever. A day that sometimes isn't soon enough, but for now, we wait, and enjoy every day we are here.